The Blarney Gayzette Classifieds

The Blarney Gayzette Classifieds for Tuesday, October 23rd

A close-up photo of multiple newspapers loosely stacked on a wooden table.

Sections – Houses for Sale, For Rent, Job Openings, For Sale, Freebies

For Rent / 300

Blarney Hill – 1 tiny bedroom for rent, 1/2 rent in exchange for gay help around the yard, clean kitchen, glittered ceilings, lots of moss. Call me after 8 p.m. 555-555-1458

Blarney Hill – 1 bedroom for rent for large-size gnome. Big kitchen, small outhouse, some roaches. 555-520-4589

South Keebler Lane – 2 bedroom in fine tire dump, quiet, peaceful, great for small gnome family. A place to park your jalopy. 8 pence off first month’s rent. Call after midnight only. 555-325-9855

Blarney Hill – 1/2 bedroom for rent, 1/2 rent in exchange for Moogblarfen sandwiches, small kitchen, S&M dungeon, pink trim on building. Call me at 555-555-1228

East of the Shire – 5 bedroom, 1 bath, 1 kitchen for rent for large-size gnome family. Big kitchen, small outhouse, tea-toteing neighbors. 555-510-4489

North Keebler Lane – 1 bedroom next to potato field, quiet, peaceful, great for starch-stricken gnome. Smokin’ hot neighbors. 4 pence off first month’s rent. Call after midnight only. 555-325-9855

Job Openings / 400

The Forgotten Gnome Restaurant has an opening for an exquisite Moogblarfen Sandwich chef. Must have at least 3 months experience. Minimum wages. Free meals. 420 West Upchuck Street, apply on-site.

We went crazy this week and fired all our staff because of bad runt wastage control. We are seeking more workers. If you like small fries and love purple-haired gnomes, then this job is for you. Apply at the Teeth Smashing Machine – come dressed to work. 18787 Forgotten Industries Way – we start smashing at 8 a.m. Wages subject to negoshee-a-shuns.

The Tip Top Tavern downtown is seeking a new bartender – our last one became addicted to nose-picking and wouldn’t come to work. If you like beer and Moogblarfen shots and like gnomes and herding sheep – this is a good and fun job for you. Apply at The Tip Top Tavern on Main Street and Fools Lane. Hours open. Free gay meals when you work hard.

The Ire of the Fire Japanese-Gnome Restaurant has an opening for a grand oriental Moogblarfen chef. Must have at least 1 month experience. Minimum wages. Free meals. 120 East Upchuck Street, apply on-site.

Titley’s Fig Shack has an immediate opening for alchemist. Must have experience in concocting and brewing and mish-mashing things. Apply on-site with Titley.

Need more pence for the up and coming holiday season? If you have a spare 3 hours a week and are willing to do anything, and we mean anything to get some more pence in your pucket – then this job is for you. Must be willing to do anything and we mean it – anything. Visit us between 8 am and 9 am down at the Brook of the Painted Toenails and Hair Conditioner factory at 8322 Frocknjock Street. No tele calls please. Be ready to work if you show up and be ready to do anything we tell you to do and we mean anything.

For Sale / 750

I have an old restored Moona Diesel painting for sale. 80 pence – Call me now. 555-985-9988

50 old and well-used records for your new record player. Oldies. Goodies. Gay-varieties. 20 pence. These will go fast. 555-632-1588

2 Pumpkinhead Squirrel velvet paintings for sale. A few blotches of gorf and some outhouse stains but other than that they are in good condition. 10 pence. 555-655-6323

5 pairs of over-used and stretched out jockstraps for sale. 20 pence. Call me at 555-833-9222.

For sale, 1 slightly used liederhosen starching machine. Still have manuals and cork screws that came with it. 200 pence. Phone 555-048-2822.

Caught on tape! Two gnomes caught in the act in this awe-inspiring video that shocked the gay world last year. This is the original. Filmed in Panavision. Comes with commentary and fold-out brochure and pop-up handbook. This will go fast. 839 pence. Call me after midnight only at 555-984-8456.

Freebies / 800

Need a lift after a long days work in the gay garden? No sweat. These strong gnome hands will give you relief. Strictly massage – no foolin’! Call Morf at 555-654-7522

Used undies. These will go fast. Call 555-329-9964

Free hair designs for your next ear cleanin’ We do them tall and big or short and wiley. 555-325-6649

I have 3 bundt-cake pans I no longer need – only used a few times to make cantaloupe-anchovie bread. Call Xena at 555-904-0911.

Tired of gay drama? Need to just relax and unwind? Gay gossip gettin’ under your toenails? Dr. Philanderer Kopuschticks is currently offering free advice on gay matters to help you relieve stress and avoid the next pint of ale. Call Dr. Kopuschticks at 555-455-0987.

A Spotify logo and icon.

Published by Floyd Kelly

I'm a simple man living in a rural mountainous area.

One thought on “The Blarney Gayzette Classifieds

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: