Today here in Gnome Land it is “No Bones About It” Day and we’s be really excited.
Before the gastrations of over guzzled ale brings down the drapes on the stage, the Gnome Council on Foreign Quagmire Relations wanted me to splurge a little and let the big cities abroad know more about our society here at the edge of the world, because in future years we want to have the Gnome Olympics come here … so.
Before continuing with me’s writings here, it would be good to address some wonderful letters that have been poppin’ in here from the postal letter mailbag man…
From: Karen B. of St. Paul, MN, US
I have been reading your blog and I noticed that you go overboard on the whole “gnome thing”. Give it up already – it’s boring after the second story. Schmuck!
Firstly, me has a gigantic hazy-weed-cigar here that if you smoke it, it will make you feel much better. Or, I saved up a batch of Pumpkin Schnitzelmort – I can ship it to you – it will make you feel nice and serene. I can send it SeeODee (Crash on Delivery).
From: Steven S. of Dallas, TX, US
You idiot. You keep using the word “gay” in your writings. Do you know what you are even saying? Get a life man.
I am ultra mega extremely sorry if me’s offend you in any way. Here at the edge of the world, things are different than in the big cities abroad. We use words here that don’t mean what you think they mean in your world – do you know what I mean? Have you tried a Moogblarfen Sandwich?
From: Geriatric Man in New York, NY, US
I just love your gnome blog. Can you write more about the personal lives of your gnomes? I am intrigued and flabberflatulagasted. My great great great great uncle was a gnome.
Dear Geriatric Man:
You used the word “flabberflatulagasted”! You are definitely one of us. Come on up for a spell and a smell. We’s have lots of hazy-weed-cigars; we can smoke and we can go frolick after the Gentrified Belching Ladies go home okay.
That’s all the letters me has for today. I will answer more letters in the future of days. But until then, it’s time to celebrate…
No Bones About It Day
Take a bone. Add another bone to it.
You’s now have three bones.
Take another bone.
And set on top of that a big pine cone.
Now take a stone.
Now, stare at it until you moan.
— An old wise sayin’ from me’s great grandpappy —
Today! And only today!
We’s be celebratin’
No Bones About It Day
Noon-time at City Hall
Bring with you one bone and one stone.
(if your bone still has meat on it, leave it at home)
When the egg-timer on top of the city hall buildin’ goes
cuckoo – we will all trade bones and stones.
There will be lots to eat.
Dixie Bones BBQ Beans
Bones of Contention Candied Yams
Chinese Bone Soup
FREE – 1 pint of Loose Moose Ale – FREE
Special Performance by Boney-Fingers McBee
Don’t be late or flatulate!