The following is an excerpt from WKTXQ News Radio and an interview with the world-famous gnome, Farley. This was found on transponder device 584.78.3 on Thursday, November 8, 2007 in the backwoods of Gnome Land platte 2, Tract 4.
Good morning to all you fine folks out there in WKTXQ territory. Before we get started today, just a quick recap on weather this morning. At this hour, we have heavy fog rolling in and our temperature is holding steady at 45 degrees. Later today the fog should be burning off and a high expected today around 60. Late tonight a cold front should bring us some potentially heavy downpours so don’t forget your goulashes.
In other news this morning – feed prices went up overnight at Tarvell’s Grocery; according to Tarvell, the proprietor, customers can bring in a vegetable or two to help the less fortunate and he’ll offset any price increases. Up the hill, over in the East of the Shire; corn cob marauders invaded the corn fields once again. This makes the third time this month the corn fields have been usurped without the authority of the Gnome Council.
That about wraps up our news segment for this fine morning. And before we head off to hear from our sponsors, we have a special guest today for your listening pleasure. And if you don’t know this person; you should – he’s a great freak of nature and always happy to help you with your lederhosen debacles – yes, I’m talking about Farley.
Interviewer: So, Farley – anything wild and crazy happening in your part of town these days?
Farley: Well, me’s thinks me’s be brewin’ up a storm in me’s delicacy shack – that’s about it.
Interviewer: Brewing something? Is it tasty or taudry?
Farley: Taudry mostly. But me’s did manage to gather enough dark cantaloupes and giant anchovies to spice things up a little.
Interviewer: You like those cantaloupes and anchovies – eh. Why is that?
Farley: Well, it all started way back when me’s be a dumplin’. Back then, Moogblarfen sandwiches were too strong for me’s gut so when me’s gnome friends gathered to party – me’s had to find something tame to eat. Back then, me’s would upchuck at the sight of Moogblarfen. The adult gnome care-peeps would tell me that me’s would “grow into it”.
Interviewer: Did you grow into it?
Farley: Are you kiddin’? After years of only toleratin’ drinkin’ Chinese Fish Sauce, now me’s can’t get enough of the shit – oops… – my bad, sorry for the foulish language.
Interviewer: It’s okay Farley, we all know you can have a fucking foul mouth sometimes.
Farley: Oh c’mon now, me’s not be THAT bad.
Interviewer: I’m just kidding with you Farley – you’re a good gnome.
Farley: Yes, me’s be a good gnome, you fuckin’ foul-breath lesbo cunt whore of a bitch slut tramp. By the way, you always smell like Tide detergent; if you soak your lederhosen in Chinese Fish Sauce it will remove the odor.
(Interviewer and Farley break out in heavy laughter.)
Interviewer: It’s all good. We’re all friends here. So, are you going to donate any fresh veggies to Tarvell’s Grocery today?
Farley: Yep! Me’s has me’s puckets all full of goodies for the poor gnomes. It be always important to make sure we take care of those less fortunate. Me’s can remember many times in the past when me’s tummy was grumblin’ from emptiness – and if it weren’t for the gay folk over in the East of the Shire, me would have probably shrunk down to nothin’.
Interviewer: Yep, those are some good gnomes over there. So, Farley, we are just about out of time. Do you have any final words of wisdom for our gnome listeners before we break for commercial?
Farley: Well, let’s see… Oh, never get your beer-stained lederhosen jammed with cantaloupe stickiness because if you’s do – you will have to pay 25 pence to see if the tofu jumbalaya create bigger splotches of gorf.
Interviewer: (giggles) Okie dokie then. … … Ladies and gents, that’s all the time we have for now. We will break for a quick commercial and we’ll be back in a few minutes. But don’t go anywhere, we have some special talk radio guests lined up for this morning.
Over-N-Out – Floyd