Recipe for Pumpkin Schnitzelmort

A photo of a cauldron over an open flame.

Well, if you’s been readin’ me’s gnome stories on this bloggy thingamajiggie; you probably seen me make reference to a treat we have here in Gnome Land called Pumpkin Schnitzelmort. Yes, here at the edge of the world, we can cook! Today, me’s be sharing this exotic recipe on me’s fabulous cooking show…

The Cooking With Farley Show

Many requests have arrived here wanting this recipe. At first, a consultation had to be made with the Council on Gnome Recipe Exchange to see if this recipe could be let loose into the big cities abroad. Only because, this food treat has been known in the past to cause disruptions in the day-to-day lives of grannies and grandpas and, well, because of the … err … mmm … side-effects which accompany this great yumminess.

The Council asked me to release this recipe with cautionary statements so as to protect us from those vampire lawyers that roam around in those big cities abroad. If you’s not be accustomed to Pumpkin Schnitzelmort, please start off slowly. You will need to build up tolerance to eat bigger portions. Mainly, this is because Pumpkin Schnitzelmort acts much like hazy-weed-cigars.

Pumpkin Schnitzelmort

(Feeds 4 small gnomes, larger gnomes increase recipe x 3)

Here is what you will need from the grocery man place:

1 super-gigantic pumpkin
5 gallons vodka
1/2 cup cayenne pepper
1 5 lb. bag of sugar
3 lbs. pine nuts
2 lbs. stale granola
1 very tiny rooftop shingle, no tar, must be wood shingle and must be very tiny
3 lbs. of boiled cod fish from the deep Atlantic
18 eggs
1 lb. dark chocolate
3 cups cooked kidney beans

For added kick, be sure to include the following items:

2 well used and heavily skidmark-stained jockstraps
3 very large and well used and heavy sweat-stained bras

1 large bottle of Superior Chinese Fish Sauce

The last few items above give Pumpkin Schnitzelmort the added “kick” that will make your eyes cross. You will want to soak the jockstraps or bras in the Chinese Fish Sauce to remove the stinkiness of the items before proceedin’.

Begin by gatherin’ your elderly gnome family for tensions release. Gather mallets and all gnomes gather in a circle and begin bashin’ and smashin’ the gigantic pumpkin. Keep smashin’ until the pumpkin resembles a gnome-butt with heavy cellulite.

After smashin’ and all frustrations have been released, place smashed pumpkin in a gigantic cauldron. Add the 5 gallons of superior vodka. Add the 1/2 cup of cayenne pepper, a 5 pound bag of sugar and the 3 pounds of pine nuts. Now, you will want to let the cauldron cook over a low flame for about 5 hours. At the 4th hour, 1 hour before simmerin’ is all done, add the jockstraps and/or bras.

While the cauldron is brewin’ the pumpkin/vodka base for this yumminess, you will want to prepare the next part.

In a gigantic gnome bowl, you will add and mix up the following ingredients: 2 pounds of stale granola, 1 very tiny rooftop shingle broken into small pieces and the 3 cups of cooked kidney beans.

Using a grinder of some kind, spend the next hour grindin’ this mixture up. Keep grindin’ and grindin’. After you have grinded all this up real good, you will add the following ingredients: 3 pounds of boiled cod fish and the 18 eggs. Now, using a high-powered deflatulating machine or a bowl mixer, spin this concoction around and around until it resembles tapioca pudding.

Break up the dark chocolate into tiny pieces – this you will use to sprinkle on top.

After the the pumpkin/vodka concoction has brewed for 5 hours don’t forget to remove the jockstraps and bras. At the end of simmerin’ this concoction, everything should be all boiled down and what remains is mostly the pumpkin and pine nuts. If it is a little runny, you can add oatmeal or granola to thicken it up but I don’t like to do that.

To serve this delicious food pastry, simply grab 1 cup of the pumpkin/vodka concoction in the cauldron and plop in a large gnome bowl. On top of that, layer on top a heaping cup of the cod fish and egg mixture. And finally, sprinkle the tiny chocolate pieces on top. And there you have it! Pumpkin Schnitzelmort!

The pumpkin may be quite warm so it is good to let cool a bit or you may burn your tongue.

I find that this pastry is best served after smokin’ a large hazy-weed-cigar.

A clipart of a gnome.

Have a great day. – Floyd

Published by Floyd Kelly

I'm a simple man living in a rural mountainous area.

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