Learn to Convert a WordPress Post to a Page

I have been working on a future post which has been sitting in my Drafts section on WordPress; mostly because the post is very long. I know it is going to become even longer, so I decided I wanted to make the post a page instead.

A photo showing a person typing on a laptop with WordPress showing on the screen.
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

To keep my blog simple and designed for fast-loading, I knew this was a big problem if I wanted to include the post in my blog. So, I began looking around the WordPress dashboard for a utility that would convert my post to it’s own page.

I spent about an hour looking around and I could not find anything. The closest I came to a resolution was the Export feature. I tried that feature but it did not work because my post had not been published and the only identifier I could use in the post for Export was a category, which has this one post assigned to it. Because the post had not been published, the Export feature did not recognize the category. Ugh!

I wandered around looking once again for some way to convert my post to a page. My bag of Oreo cookies was emptied in the process. After some cookies and a nice tall glass of milk, and prodding around on WordPress, I finally found a solution.

The key to this solution is next to that green button in the upper-right portion of the screen, called JetPack. It may show up on your screen as three dots.

Upon clicking this menu item, within the menu I see “Visual Editor” and “Code Editor” – aha! My brain started firing up again.

I then opened my post that I wanted to convert to a page. Upon doing this I clicked on “Code Editor” and my screen changed from a visually appealing screen to a white screen with blocks and code. Perfect! The magic has arrived.

With my post open and the “Code Editor” now active, I simply clicked once in the body of my post. I then used a key combination of CTRL+A (Select All) and then CTRL+C (Copy) – this selects all in the document and copies to memory in my computer.

I then closed the post and went to my Pages section in the WordPress dashboard and selected “Add New Page”. I was prompted what template I wanted to use and I chose Blank.

Now, with a blank document on my screen, I clicked on those three little buttons again and selected “Code Editor”. I then clicked my mouse one time in the new blank document and pressed the key combination CTRL+V (Paste). Voila! I then clicked on the three little buttons once again and selected the “Visual Editor” to return things to normal and saved the page.

Thank you for reading and if you have this same issue, this will work and on that note I’m going to the store to buy me some more cookies.

Over-N-Out. – Floyd

The Top 10 Library Items in Gnome Land

You people in the big cities have it made big time. We get your daily newspapers and books shipped to us up here in far away Gnome Land, which gives us a good idea as to how you people live daily. For those of you new to our society, Gnome Land is 10 kilometers north of Kleistenschlectenbergenstein – yes we are very far away from you.

A stack of old books.
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

So far, our very astute gnome librarian has managed to catalogue many of your famous and worldly newspapers for us to read. We have a few books, but mostly newspapers. With newspaper names like “The Great Karaoke Machine”, “The Horseshoe Dailies”, and the famous “Porcupine Social News” we are very knowledgeable.

Yes, here in far away Gnome Land, we manage to stay on top of your steamy worldly affairs.

We use to get an obscure newspaper shipped to us called the “Boston Globe”, but nobody would read it and most of the time our gnome families would just take it to the outhouse – only to never be seen again.

The most popular of newspapers we receive here is called “The Daily Joys of Proud Pecs”. If you go to our library here you will see that the checkout card always be showin’ constant checkouts and check-ins of this popular newspaper.

Today, upon closer inspection, I noticed this particular newspaper seems to always be checked out by one person – Phooey Buckeye – you remember him don’t you?

Now that I think about it, every time I see Phooey Buckeye strollin’ around our streets, he does seem to have an oversizeable chest area. That must be one good readin’ for him to be so obsessed with literary chesty prowess.

We don’t have too many books here. If you have some you can ship to us we would be much obliged. Of the books we do have, here is our top list of checkouts.

Our Top-10 checkouts at the library this month are:

  1. How to Feed a Rabbit with Tongs
  2. Macrame for Gnome Dummies
  3. The Greatest Jockstrap Ever Sold
  4. Simple Repairs for the Fat-Fingered Gnome
  5. The History of Moogblarfen Sandwiches
  6. How to Watch Bean Sprouts Grow
  7. Avoiding Smelly Traps – House and Home Weekly
  8. The Woes of Flabberflatulence and Gastrations
  9. The Ultimate How-to Guide on Making Hazy-Weed-Cigars
  10. Bunched-Up Lederhosen Debacles

Now that you have a better idea as to our astuteness and literary prowess, feel free
to drop by our library and sit for a spell. We do allow one pint of ale per gnome per readin’ time.

This Public Services Message
brought to you by:
The Gnome Council on Literary Guidances

A small shack covered with hay and sod.
Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

Public Library located at
128 Green Fig Lane
(downtown – next to Titley’s Fig Shack)
Library Hours: Noon to 1 p.m. on Mondays Only

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Some People

Some People
A poem by Floyd Kelly

A photo of long shadows showing people standing together behind the camera.

Some people like to dress up in fancy clothes.

Some people like to drive fancy cars.

Some people live in big fancy homes.

Some people do not have any cares in this world.

Some people.


Some people like to party with diamonds and wigs.

Some people like to fly in big jets.

Some people have fancy jewelry.

Some people live as if life will never end.

Some people.


Some people like to eat big fancy meals.

Some people like to sail on big ships.

Some people let loose the lips.

Some people want only money.

Some people.


Some people have no choice but to live a modest life.

Some people have no choice but to walk.

Some people have no choice but to endure much hardship.

Some people do not have a home.

Some people.


Some people face life with on-going illness.

Some people do not know when the next meal will come.

Some people are left far behind.

Some people go through life facing insurmountable odds.

Some people.


Some people need medicine and do not have money to pay.

Some people have to wear the clothes they wore yesterday.

Some people yearn for a better life.

Some people face much strife.

Some people.


Some people live in the shadows.

Some people are scared of all people.

Some people have scars; left by other people.

Some people are filled with tears.

Some people.


Some people forget about those who own less.

Some people do not care what happens to other people.

Some people claim they are better than other people.

Some people can only see one way.

Some people.


Some people go through life angry.

Some people have hearts aflame with fire unfurled.

Some people like to hurt other people.

Some people enjoy chaos.

Some people.


Some people pass judgement on those they do not know.

Some people pass judgement on people they do know.

Some people claim they are pure.

Some people can seem uppity for sure.

Some people.


Some people know who they are.

Some people face life head-on.

Some people have great courage.

Some people lift others up.

Some people.


Some people are fragile.

Some people are broken.

Some people are damaged beyond repair.

Some people can only cry knowing joy is far away.

Some people.


Some people are cherished like gold.

Some people are like flowers with colors bold.

Some people are gentle like the breeze of the spring.

Some people are meek and humble, profoundly touching the lives of people.

Some people.


Some people let their soul shine.

Some people branch out like a summer’s green vine.

Some people are dear to other’s hearts.

Some people are people we need.

Some people.


Some people can look in a mirror.

Some people can see through smoke and fog.

Some people can ask themselves questions.

Some people better themselves by looking in the mirror.

Some people.

Some People, a poem by Floyd Kelly (2021)

20 Things …

There are a few folks out there in the blogging world who have been wanting to know more about me. Yep! Amazingly, there are people who have been itching and scratching, wondering, begging, prodding me to do some splishy-splashy things in my blog so they know how I live. So, I will start with 20 Things You Will Not Find in My Home.

A graphic showing the text "20 Things You Will Not Find in My Home".

1

Broccolli – You will not find broccolli in my home, mostly because little trees make me sad.

2

Television – I have not owned a television in over 10 years and I don’t miss the experience.

3

Vehicle Tires – They belong on a vehicle and alas, I do not own a vehicle.

4

Eclairs – They don’t belong in a home, they belong in my tummy, so you will not find any in my home, sorry.

5

Frozen Pizza – For me, Frozen Pizza is too many complex carbs and I like to keep things simple, so, no, you will not find this in my home.

6

Green Eggs and Ham – To be honest, I don’t know who would have these in their home either.

7

Tin Foil Hats – I don’t need these because I can receive radio transmissions through my dental fillings, plus I get commercial-free broadcasts, so no need for any tin foil hats. Copper ones are okay, just not the tin foil ones.

8

Barking Cats – I don’t own any barking cats, mostly because cats don’t bark.

9

Sea Monkeys – I started a batch of Sea Monkeys last year but they outgrew the tank and I had to release them into the wild. Sigh. They were a lot of fun.

10

Candy Corns – Ugh! Yuck! Gag! Whoever created those 100% sugary gross things should have their head examined. Those candy corns at Halloween are the nastiest tasting things I have ever encountered. You will not find these in my home.

11

Scarecrows – Aside from when I first wake up when I’m ugly like a scarecrow – causing my dog to bark at me, that’s about it, otherwise they are all out back in the corn field.

12

Pre-formed chicken shapes – I like to make my own chicken nuggets with real chicken, so you won’t find any of these in my home.

13

Political Things – I am not into politics, so you will not find anything like that in my home either.

14

Used BINGO Cards – The Sisters of Perpetual Merriment and the Reformed Witnesses of the Handmade Tortilla Church gave me some used BINGO cards, but I eventually threw them away because they were not doing me any good. I tried to give them back but they insisted.

15

Dulcolax – I’m okay in that department, so there is no need for that in my home.

16

Turkey Bacon – There is not any turkey bacon in my home, mostly because it reminds me of the unfortunate demise of Turkey Lurkey. Seriously though, I prefer the piggly wiggly bacon – it just tastes better.

17

Drugs and Alcohol – I’m already whacked-out as it is, so you won’t find these in my home.

18

Augustus Gluten – You will not find Augustus Gluten in my home. Once, he tried visiting me to train my Sea Monkeys, but I wasn’t gonna have it, not in my home. I think he was after my chocolate, but that is all mine.

19

Velvet Paintings of Elvis Presley – You won’t find any of these in my home; I think it’s his sideburns that ruin the good Feng Shui in my home.

20

Dangling Participles – Those belong in a blog, not in my home. Dangling Participles leave me wanting more, that’s why I don’t have them in my home.


So there you have it, you have just discovered 20 things that you did not know about me. You can stop itching and scratching and wondering and prodding now. I hope it was an enjoyable read, I’m not the best at blogging about 20 things. So send me a message about some things you do not have in your home. I’m anxiously waiting; really really anxiously waiting.

Over-N-Out. – Floyd

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What are the odds of this happening?

What are the odds of this happening? This is my true story.

An image showing an incomplete painting of the NASA space shuttle.
Image created by Floyd Kelly which is part of “Escape from Earth” (2016).

I wrote the science-fiction story “Escape from Earth” and the accompanying musical compositions back in 2015-2016. I published the 20-page booklet – complete with a story, a plot and some crazy graphics in 3D.

Within a portion of the story is the idea of specialized cities in the future that would provide for the mass production of NASA’s space shuttle – except on a larger scale to each hold 107 people – in a last ditch effort to save as many people as we can – to “Escape from Earth”.

During the graphics production for the booklet; I utilized 3D models which are free and available to the public for use. I managed to locate the 3D models on the internet at NASA for the actual space shuttle and multitudes of other related models.


Download NASA Space Shuttle (Hi-Res) by clicking here. The gantry 3D model is available by clicking here.


In graphics production I utilize a 3D application named “Blender” – and what a wonderful application it is – thanks to the volunteers of the world who have created and maintained this application for many years. Within the application is the ability to produce copies of objects and place into arrays. One day I imported the models for the space shuttle and gantry; playing around with the POV camera to get a nice graphic to help tell the story (as you can see at the beginning of this blog post). In this case, a camera shot which shows many space shuttles being built at the same time.


A screen capture of Floyd Kelly working in Blender 3D.
Screen capture of Floyd Kelly working in Blender 3D creating an image of several NASA Space Shuttles.

OK, now stop and remember what you just read.

Skipping ahead about 5 years in time.

In five years time, the actual prints (only 100) are distributed somewhere out in the world. The music for me, long forgotten. Life went on without any fanfare related to my publication. It was an experience that allowed me to make a strange attempt to show that it may be possible to traverse space/time based on the results provided by NASA et al. producing the Gravity Probe-B Experiment – Testing Einstein’s Universe.


The “Escape from Earth” production was eventually renamed “The STC Impulse | Directive 2051.2” and you can read about my wonky ideas by clicking here. I update this continuously.


A few weeks ago, I was shopping at Walmart and wanted a new movie to watch. The movie “Geostorm” on display grabbed my attention. “Ooh… a new cool movie” … I thought.

Later, as I am watching the movie and also experiencing the storyline unfold (not knowing anything about the movie ahead of time) – I was somewhat in a state of wonder. The movie release date is 12/6/2017. And in these moments, the strangeness of our universe unfolds before me as I’m captivated by the unfolding storyline.

It seems, that as I was writing the story “Escape from Earth”, a production company far away from me was using the same elements to tell a similar story. There is a scene in the movie showing almost the exact camera POV I was working with in 3D in 2016 (multiple space shuttles). And, the idea of the satellite network in the movie is also present within my story. Also present in Geostorm are the climate change ideas, the level of authorities (characters) within the story as well.

There is a scene in the movie Geostorm which shows the multiple space shuttles; a discerning eye can see that the production company did the same thing I did; which was downloading the NASA 3D models and replicating for a camera shot.

What are the odds of this happening?

The difference in my storyline is the addition of quantum physics, artificial intelli and the idea of creating a bubble in space/time that would contain the effects of radiation contamination from the Daiichi Power Plant in 2011 (Fukushima earthquake disaster).

While writing this; I went and grabbed the one copy remaining and read it – it’s out there in terms of space and time.

When I watched “Geostorm” I could not help but experience wonderment with the question of how I could write a story very similar to another person’s story somewhere out there in the world. It’s important to note that I published “Escape from Earth” one year before the release of “Geostorm”, so I beat them to the punch.

What are the odds? How can this be?

Very interesting indeed!

Floyd


Perhaps someone in the world took notice of my small production. The maximum I could charge for this product was a mere $9.99 through the online distributor. A third-party has found one of the two remaining for sale on-line at Amazon and is selling my product for $969.00 – I don’t get any of that. To this day, I have received zero dollars from this product.

A screen capture of Floyd Kelly's music CD for sale at Amazon.com for $969.00.
Listing on Amazon.com for “Escape from Earth” (2016) by Floyd Kelly.

Lucid Dream #103

I experienced another lucid dream last night, and for the most part it was not too eventful in terms of a story, but rather a wonky dream.

A photo of some beautiful cumulus clouds at sunset with one tree and a man sitting under the tree.

This dream was about a small room in some person’s home. I did not see the person in my dream and I did not actually see the house. What I did see were strips of paper that were given out to the public as they entered this house via a small room. I recall people would travel from afar just to enter this one small room in a person’s home.

The strips of paper had oddball sayings printed on them and they looked similar to Twitter tweets. The best that I can recall after waking is that these strips of paper were meant to encourage people.

There was not a lot to this dream other than the strips of paper and this small room. People would show up just to enter this small room. It did not make a lot of sense – it is just some wonky dream.

What made this a lucid dream experience is that in the latter part of the dream, I guess I had grown tired of the fact that the room people were entering was so small. I do recall eventually calling it a foyer. I guess the size of the room bothered me.

So I took charge of the dream and started remaking this experience with a larger room. And then again, remaking it into an even larger room. At the end, people were entering an extremely large room.

When I woke up I had the old cliche in my head “Less is More”. I don’t know why this was my first thought. Nothing really makes sense in some dreams.

There was not anything good or bad in this dream, just some strips of paper, a room that I enlarged and “Less is More”.

Thanks for reading and have a great day! – Floyd

Saying My Goodbyes

There is an old saying that no day is guaranteed to us. I believe in that saying. Just as new life is born into this world, there are people dying every hour, every day. Just as life is all around us, so is death.

An image of a single lit candle burning with a black background.

The leaves on the trees eventually fade from green to brown, the end of life. The flowers fade and the petals fall to the ground. The birds once flying through the skies fall and lay on the ground. It is inevitable. All living things in this world come to an end eventually. Even our planet will one day far off in the future cease to exist.

When I was younger I thought death was something far away; sadly, it could happen a mere 5 minutes from now.

Over the past few years I have been making music as a so-called home-recording artist. I have toiled much to create music that I know I like and perhaps others may enjoy as well. I recently realized that there will come a day when there will be no more making of music from Floyd Kelly; there will not be any more input from me into our world. I will be gone. With that in mind, I wrote my own elegy which I hope, if found, will be recited at my memorial, whenever that time arrives. I wrote my elegy as an allegory; and also to inspire others who read or hear it.

What follows is the graphic image which is a music CD insert published with my music album “Saying My Goodbyes”. It is also shown below as text for search engines. If you find this, I give you permission to recite it at any service.


Saying my Goodbyes

From the frozen echoes of star dust in flight,
far beyond the guide star Pegasi; to reflecting upon water's blue light -
The Universe is beyond the colors we've seen.
Still, the stars of old know nothing of me.
Through the ages, our hearts have echoed through the mountains of lore;
Impugned upon the creations of life; a paradox against the casts of realm.
Wisdom says, all have been tasked to go steadfastly true; so go forth we do.
From the valleys of despair, to the cogs of industry;
from the cries of the belly, to the pinnacles of the ego; 
one may only see all the colors when two is two.
When a rusty violet is born with no choice to behold, enduring the stories of old;
The stars cry out in deep sympathies, weeping songs of what is told.
For, in our true selves, we say not words of disdain upon the flowers,
nor to the brothers, nor to the sisters on life's stage;
for there is a grand story in us all, in the flowers and age.
The passion of the winter blackbird; the call of the wild;
echoes through eternity even before the stars beguiled.
The long dark journey finally may rest.
The star dust has another quest.
Cloaked in memories; shadowed with sorrows;
Emboldened with heartfelt good and true -
Whether my place be on glistening white shores, lush fields of green,
or a shining star far away - the beacons of hope
shall always guide me in a very special way.

                                                                                         - Floyd Kelly
Saying My Goodbyes by Floyd Kelly

Here is the text:

Saying my Goodbyes

From the frozen echoes of star dust in flight,
far beyond the guide star Pegasi; to reflecting upon water’s blue light –
The Universe is beyond the colors we’ve seen.
Still, the stars of old know nothing of me.
Through the ages, our hearts have echoed through the mountains of lore;
Impugned upon the creations of life; a paradox against the casts of realm.
Wisdom says, all have been tasked to go steadfastly true; so go forth we do.
From the valleys of despair, to the cogs of industry;
from the cries of the belly, to the pinnacles of the ego;
one may only see all the colors when two is two.
When a rusty violet is born with no choice to behold, enduring the stories of old;
The stars cry out in deep sympathies, weeping songs of what is told.
For, in our true selves, we say not words of disdain upon the flowers,
nor to the brothers, nor to the sisters on life’s stage;
for there is a grand story in us all, in the flowers and age.
The passion of the winter blackbird; the call of the wild;
echoes through eternity even before the stars beguiled.
The long dark journey finally may rest.
The star dust has another quest.
Cloaked in memories; shadowed with sorrows;
Emboldened with heartfelt good and true –
Whether my place be on glistening white shores, lush fields of green,
or a shining star far away – the beacons of hope
shall always guide me in a very special way.


Floyd Kelly


Guide Star Pegasi, from the music album “Saying My Goodbyes” (2018) by Floyd Kelly.

The Dogs in My Life

If someone had told me when I was younger that I would be caring for dogs in my future and that I would be doing it for many years, I probably would have just ignored you. In my younger years, I was too busy with daily life to be concerned with taking care of dogs. Oh how that changed!

Floyd Kelly's dog, Kaylee.
Kaylee

About 15 years ago, I decided I wanted a dog to accompany me, as I was lonely, aging and wanted a friend. Since then, I have been very fortunate to care for 3 dogs. The years have passed by quickly and their lives have touched me in a monumental way; and each has taught me things about myself, making me a better person.


BB#2 and Kaylee out for a walk.

I remember in 2005, meeting Beebers at the Vancouver Humane Society. The dog was an adult, about 6 years in human years and I did not know anything about the dog’s history. The dog seemed calm and gentle. So, I adopted Beebers and I remember the day I sat down in the chair at the humane society with the dog on a leash for the first time, and I told Beebers that I was going to take her out to see the world and go on an adventure! And that I did.

Beebers was gentle, meek and loyal. Beebers was mostly quiet until a squirrel showed up on the scene. In the first week at home Beebers was recovering from an illness contracted at the kennel. After taking Beebers to the vet and bringing life back to Beebers through care, food and water – the dog let me know one day that we had bonded by walking up to me and placing her forehead / pressed against my feet in a moment of quiet. That was the day Beebers realized I was going be caring for her.


Floyd Kelly's dog, Beebers, smiling, outdoors.
Floyd Kelly’s dog, Beebers, smiling, outdoors.

Look at those eyes and that face, makes my heart melt.

Beebers lived to be 13 in human years, so I have to pat myself on the back for that. Beebers was so old that walking became difficult. In Beeber’s final days it became difficult to stand so it was time to put Beebers to sleep. I was very broken-hearted.


And then there is Kaylee. Oh boy, what a handful Kaylee was. I received Kaylee at about 2 months old and Kaylee lived to be 10 years in human years. The thing about Kaylee is that Kaylee was a great swimmer, so much so, I called Kaylee the canine Michael Phelps. Kaylee was always full of energy.


Kaylee loves to swim.

Kaylee was always full of energy and Kaylee’s favorite thing was swimming and finding the nearest water. What was funny about Kaylee is that if I threw something small for fetch, the canine didn’t want it. Kaylee was a size queen. Kaylee wanted big things to be thrown out into the water only. In the following video you can see her with a big piece of a log.


Kaylee fetching a big piece of wood out of the water.

Although there are not any dogs in the following video; the video shows our favorite hangout in Ione, Washington.


Pend Oreille River in Ione, Washington

Kaylee passed away a couple of years ago and I will never forget the heart-wrenching experience. Kaylee was the first dog I cared for from puppy stage all the way to the end. I was so distraught that I remember roaming the streets, just crying and crying and crying. Kaylee touched my heart in a very significant way. I will always miss Kaylee and think about Kaylee to this day.


After losing Kaylee, I told myself I was not going to have any more dogs in my life. Experiencing the heartache of loosing Kaylee brought me to the conclusion that I did not want to experience that again.

Until…

Some locals in our town found out about my experience and felt sad for me. They felt sad because they knew Kaylee and I were very close and everywhere I went, there was Kaylee. It just so happened that a family here in town had a litter of chocolate-colored retrievers. They also found out that I’m a veteran of the military and wanted to help me because of that. They offered and gifted me one of the retrievers. I suddenly became excited about another dog in my life and I always wanted a chocolate-colored retriever. So the next phase of my life was put into motion with a new dog. And here is (name withheld for security reasons).


Floyd Kelly's dog, a chocolate-colored Retriever.
I received this beautiful and sweet dog at 2 months old and the dog is now a little over two years old. What a handful this dog is!

Living with and caring for these dogs has changed my personality and made me a better person. I’m so glad that I had the strength, courage and discipline to care for these animals. I know my current retriever will one day pass-away in the future and I hope it is a long time away. My current retriever is now 2 1/2 years old and I hope, with proper care, that I can help my dog live to at least 11 years old. In the end, when I am gone from this world, I hope to meet these wonderful creatures at the Rainbow Bridge and be re-united. As for today, I promise to take care of my dog and cherish the moments.


Over-N-Out. – Floyd

Boney Fingers and Stinkery Feet

Welcome all Gnome Performers! Performance artists abound in our small town here in Gnome Land. It seems every gnome who lives here has some kind of wild and crazy performance ability.

A photo of a garden gnome holding a lantern.

Some of us perform for others by tackling other larger-sized gnomes. Some of us perform for others by trying to beat the cuckoo egg-timer on top of the old city hall building.

And still …

Some of us perform for others by simply drooling.

And then there is Harley and his stinkery feet and Boney Fingers McBee, famous for her long boney fingers.

C’mon, when it comes to performin’, what are you gonna do with boney fingers and stinkery feet? When performin’ in this neck o’ the woods – you’s gotta be good and you’s gotta be poetic and you’s gotta be super hotly attractive. As in smokin’ hot attractive! Although, we don’t really have too many hotly attractive gnomes anywhere around here.

Most of us gnomes just make do – dealing with the day-to-day affairs of our town. Goin’ about our business. Workin’ … Toilin’ … Chowin’ down on a Moogblarfen sandwich here and there and performin’ for the gnome masses when we’s be feelin’ like it.

When a gnome decides to perform in the city hall – most of us stop what we’s be doin’ and take the time to enrich ourselves with some enlightenin’ entertainments. And, most of the time we are satisfied with the goodness of our gnome society.

This is not the case with Harley and Boney Fingers McBee.

A photo of a garden gnome swinging in a tree.

Harley has an overwhelmin’ urge to do performances – but we banned that a long time ago. Every time he would perform his act we had to hold our noses because of his stinkery feet, and most of us could not hold our breath for too long – it was too uncomfortable for us to endure.

Boney Fingers McBee also loves to perform but she does not do much but stand on the stage and act like a cat witch wigglin’ her fingers in the air – as if she’s castin’ a gay curse on the crowds. We banned her too because performin’ time does not mean nap time. Boney Fingers McBee suffers from a sleep disorder where she falls asleep as soon as she sits down anywhere; so she’s be standin’ up a lot.

For a while, both Harley and Boney Fingers McBee were outcasts in our town. Nobody talked to them – with long boney fingers a wigglin’ around and a pair of big gnome stinkery feet to knock you out – nobody wanted to be around them.

Last year, this all changed.

During the last “Eve of the Hallowed Coleslaw” me’s walked into the Tip Top Tavern to celebrate the annual browning of the cabbage patch. The crowds were merry. Every gnome was feelin’ a little fairy. And me’s be feelin’ a tad hairy.

Anyways, me’s remember walkin’ into the tavern and made me’s way through the runtly crowd to fetch a malt liquor. While waitin’ for the frothy goodness, me’s be a noticin’ Harley and Boney Fingers McBee sittin’ at a corner table together – playin’ cards. They were in a dark musky corner of the tavern where nobody congregates. They be sittin’ at a small table, barely lit by the kerosene lamp above.

Me’s was surprised!

Ol’ Boney Fingers McBee was sittin’ and wasn’t fallin’ asleep! She was sittin’ down and no sleepin’! That’s a miracle. And Harley seemed fixated on the boney-ness of her fingers. He could not take his eyes off of her fingers. He almost seemed to be droolin’ over her sleek creepy tentacles.

Me’s remember thinkin’ those two must be in love or somethin’. Perhaps our very own cupid gnome shot his arrow and hit someone’s rump – me’s be a guessin’.

Me’s decided to let them be and have a good runtly time; and since the brownin’ of the cabbage patch only comes once a year, me’s decided to have a malt liquor, and another, and another.

The next day, me’s be seein’ Harley gayly frolickin’ in the squishy compost and me’s approached him to find out what was goin’ on in the tavern yesterday with him and Boney Fingers McBee. While speakin’ to him, me’s could see the longin’ in his murky eyes. He seemed almost charmed.

He said, “I really adore that McBee chick. Come to find out, my stinkery feets keep her awake when she has a sit – now she can knit and embroider with the best of the elder gnomes. And as for her boney fingers – well, let’s just say my large pimple on my left buttock got a good scratchin’ last night.”

Then me’s tells Harley, “Oh, so you two be made for each other!”.

Over-N-Out. – Floyd

Recipe for Pumpkin Schnitzelmort

A photo of a cauldron over an open flame.

Well, if you’s been readin’ me’s gnome stories on this bloggy thingamajiggie; you probably seen me make reference to a treat we have here in Gnome Land called Pumpkin Schnitzelmort. Yes, here at the edge of the world, we can cook! Today, me’s be sharing this exotic recipe on me’s fabulous cooking show…

The Cooking With Farley Show


Many requests have arrived here wanting this recipe. At first, a consultation had to be made with the Council on Gnome Recipe Exchange to see if this recipe could be let loose into the big cities abroad. Only because, this food treat has been known in the past to cause disruptions in the day-to-day lives of grannies and grandpas and, well, because of the … err … mmm … side-effects which accompany this great yumminess.

The Council asked me to release this recipe with cautionary statements so as to protect us from those vampire lawyers that roam around in those big cities abroad. If you’s not be accustomed to Pumpkin Schnitzelmort, please start off slowly. You will need to build up tolerance to eat bigger portions. Mainly, this is because Pumpkin Schnitzelmort acts much like hazy-weed-cigars.

Pumpkin Schnitzelmort

(Feeds 4 small gnomes, larger gnomes increase recipe x 3)

Here is what you will need from the grocery man place:

1 super-gigantic pumpkin
5 gallons vodka
1/2 cup cayenne pepper
1 5 lb. bag of sugar
3 lbs. pine nuts
2 lbs. stale granola
1 very tiny rooftop shingle, no tar, must be wood shingle and must be very tiny
3 lbs. of boiled cod fish from the deep Atlantic
18 eggs
1 lb. dark chocolate
3 cups cooked kidney beans


For added kick, be sure to include the following items:

2 well used and heavily skidmark-stained jockstraps
or
3 very large and well used and heavy sweat-stained bras

and
1 large bottle of Superior Chinese Fish Sauce


The last few items above give Pumpkin Schnitzelmort the added “kick” that will make your eyes cross. You will want to soak the jockstraps or bras in the Chinese Fish Sauce to remove the stinkiness of the items before proceedin’.

Begin by gatherin’ your elderly gnome family for tensions release. Gather mallets and all gnomes gather in a circle and begin bashin’ and smashin’ the gigantic pumpkin. Keep smashin’ until the pumpkin resembles a gnome-butt with heavy cellulite.

After smashin’ and all frustrations have been released, place smashed pumpkin in a gigantic cauldron. Add the 5 gallons of superior vodka. Add the 1/2 cup of cayenne pepper, a 5 pound bag of sugar and the 3 pounds of pine nuts. Now, you will want to let the cauldron cook over a low flame for about 5 hours. At the 4th hour, 1 hour before simmerin’ is all done, add the jockstraps and/or bras.

While the cauldron is brewin’ the pumpkin/vodka base for this yumminess, you will want to prepare the next part.

In a gigantic gnome bowl, you will add and mix up the following ingredients: 2 pounds of stale granola, 1 very tiny rooftop shingle broken into small pieces and the 3 cups of cooked kidney beans.

Using a grinder of some kind, spend the next hour grindin’ this mixture up. Keep grindin’ and grindin’. After you have grinded all this up real good, you will add the following ingredients: 3 pounds of boiled cod fish and the 18 eggs. Now, using a high-powered deflatulating machine or a bowl mixer, spin this concoction around and around until it resembles tapioca pudding.

Break up the dark chocolate into tiny pieces – this you will use to sprinkle on top.

After the the pumpkin/vodka concoction has brewed for 5 hours don’t forget to remove the jockstraps and bras. At the end of simmerin’ this concoction, everything should be all boiled down and what remains is mostly the pumpkin and pine nuts. If it is a little runny, you can add oatmeal or granola to thicken it up but I don’t like to do that.

To serve this delicious food pastry, simply grab 1 cup of the pumpkin/vodka concoction in the cauldron and plop in a large gnome bowl. On top of that, layer on top a heaping cup of the cod fish and egg mixture. And finally, sprinkle the tiny chocolate pieces on top. And there you have it! Pumpkin Schnitzelmort!

The pumpkin may be quite warm so it is good to let cool a bit or you may burn your tongue.

I find that this pastry is best served after smokin’ a large hazy-weed-cigar.

A clipart of a gnome.

Have a great day. – Floyd

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