The Funny Finger

It isn’t too often that I misplace things. I usually know where everything is. I know where my pink sequined thongs are; I know where my broken lego bricks are and I even know where my overused gnome-blowup doll is. The only thing I seem to have misplaced was that finger thing.

A black and white photo of a man with his hand outstretched toward the camera.

The “finger thing?” you ask…

You see. I gave Freddy the finger yesterday. He got mad at me for that and gave Sissy the finger. She in-turn gave someone the finger when she was having a bad hair day on the way to work. And, I think that person gave the finger back to her with a few very choice juicy words along with it.

So this finger thing has been going around quite a bit now. It almost got lost when a Texan came along and decided to rename the finger – the FANGER (in Texan slang talk) – now that was close call – the finger would have been lost for good.

But as chance would have it, just as I was creating my Marge Simpson look-a-like wig for Halloween; the finger suddenly went into overdrive. Out-of-the-blue, I was fingering my wig. I was fingering my own fingers. I was fingering the tele-tube (only because my nemesis, Bill O’Reilly, was gay-jabbering as usual). I was fingering my frock. I was fingering the swiss cheese on the countertop. I was fingering my eye sockets. It was as if someone gave my finger a shot of steroids!

My smokin’ hot gay neighbor heard all of the commotion and came to my apartment and saw what a frantic mess my finger was causing. So he gave me a vodka-anchovy-prune drink to calm my nerves. (Soooo yummy.) One drink led to two. Two drinks led to four. And four led to my finger, well, going numb. Needless to say, I passed out.

I woke up the next morning with heavy drool on my face, a fly buzzin’ on my eyebrow and a nice peacefulness. The sun was peeking through the curtains and I could hear the birds outside singing James Brown songs. My body was limp from those yummy drinks I had.

I was somewhat relieved that this whole finger thing had come to an end – what a mess it made. But it seemed something was missing as my morning went on. I was bored. I was lonely. I was sad. I was licking my fingers — because I ate a chicken wing.

I tried to pat myself on the shoulder to let myself know everything was well with the world but it did not seem to help much. I guess I needed a little “pick-me-up” so I wouldn’t be so sad. But what to do?

Suddenly, my gnome-chimes went a sounding-off – that meant someone was at my door! So I pulled up a chair to get up to the peek hole to see who was there – it was Freddy! My ol’ pal, Freddy! Without further delay, I sprung into action! Here’s my chance to brighten my day … I opened the door swiftly and without so much as a word gave Freddy the finger.

Over-N-Out. – Floyd

My Candy Crush Soda Saga Experience

As I close-in on ending my experience of playing the game, Candy Crush Soda Saga by – I decided to create a short blog post about this game in order to help other game-players create a more enjoyable experience.

A colorful photo of a man holding a smartphone and playing Candy Crush.

I am currently at Level 3,724

There are currently over 9,000 levels in this game; which I think is just horrendous – it’s too much for people who want a sense of personal achievement.

If you are new to playing Candy Crush Soda Saga, be aware that there are levels that are so difficult that the only way to win the level is by having a full arsenal of boosters at your disposal. There are levels so difficult that no matter what you try by way of game-moves you will fail. This is one of my biggest frustrations about this game; it is designed to hopefully make you want to open your wallet and spend money.

If you want alternatives to Candy Crush Soda Saga (not produced by which are in the “match-3 / match-4” category; you can find many games through the Google Play Store. does not have a monopoly on the “match-3” game genre, there are others to choose from; and there are plenty which are free, not aggressive with plying you to open your wallet and lots of fun.

Here are some tips to help improve your game experience.

  • The Swedish Fish are your best friends. Quickly learning game moves to give you Swedish Fish will help you immensely in playing this game. Swedish Fish used in combination with the Color Bomb will make your game level easier.
  • Combining a Color Bomb with a Coloring Candy seems to be the ultimate booster combination that can make you the winner of a level much easier.
  • Combining a Coloring Candy with a Swedish Fish is a nice way to make things easier in a game level.
  • Do not be intimidated by the Race feature in this game. At the end of the race, the most you will receive is 5 gold bars. In my opinion, that is not enough to let yourself be filled with anxiety in an attempt to be in first place.
  • If you are on a budget, do not use the Piggy Bank. You earned gold bars through game play and takes them away from you and forces you to pay for the bars, which is not exactly fair.
  • If you are the Admin of a team; do not be shy about removing players who pass zero levels. Remember, it’s a team; and, just like in the sports world, if a team member does not add to the team’s progress, they can be removed. It is the same with Candy Crush Soda Saga. There are plenty of players that will fill the vacated spot.
  • If you win a Golden Ticket, just forget about it. If you purchase the items, you will not get as much compared to what you can purchase in the store directly.

Here are some tips for to improve the game experience.

  • At the onset of playing this game, I was filled with excitement and it was all a novel experience. As the game continued (especially after level 500), I found myself becoming bored. It’s basically the same interface with more difficult boards and I started to lose interest.
  • Change the background depending on level of play. It remains the same throughout the game.
  • A seasoned game-player of Candy Crush Soda Saga who is in the upper-levels does not need to be reminded about the Golden Ticket over and over.
  • It is quite annoying to spend time on a Hard Level and experience gratification of completing a level; only to go onto the next level which is another Hard Level. Too many Hard Levels are bunched together; spread things out with some easy levels to make the game more enjoyable.
  • One of my biggest complaints about this game is the lack of something physical that shows achievements. I would like to suggest a “Print Certificate” feature that appears sparingly throughout the game. A nice certificate hanging on my wall showing my level in the game would be really nifty. This feature could be via a dialog presented at levels 100, 500, 1000, and every 500 levels thereafter.

One last thought…

The creators of Candy Crush Soda Saga generate billions of dollars in revenue from this game. The game is designed so you spend money. The company already has enough money – they don’t need mine or yours. It’s truly sad that a great game can be so monetized that it takes away the enjoyment and fun. The developers and all the employees at could care less about your welfare – so don’t open your wallet. You’ll get hooked and before you know it (assuming you’re on a budget) you will be giving away your money to people who have no care for your well-being. It is for this reason I do not play this game any longer and I do not encourage any person to play this game. I ended my journey at Level 3,724.

Screen capture of Candy Crush Soda Saga showing Floyd Kelly at Level 3,701
Floyd Kelly at Level 3,701 on Candy Crush Soda Saga by

Over-N-Out. – Floyd

WTXQ News Radio Interview

The following is an excerpt from WKTXQ News Radio and an interview with the world-famous gnome, Farley. This was found on transponder device 584.78.3 on Thursday, November 8, 2007 in the backwoods of Gnome Land platte 2, Tract 4.

A colored clipart of a gnome wearing a red hat and a green shirt.

Good morning to all you fine folks out there in WKTXQ territory. Before we get started today, just a quick recap on weather this morning. At this hour, we have heavy fog rolling in and our temperature is holding steady at 45 degrees. Later today the fog should be burning off and a high expected today around 60. Late tonight a cold front should bring us some potentially heavy downpours so don’t forget your goulashes.

In other news this morning – feed prices went up overnight at Tarvell’s Grocery; according to Tarvell, the proprietor, customers can bring in a vegetable or two to help the less fortunate and he’ll offset any price increases. Up the hill, over in the East of the Shire; corn cob marauders invaded the corn fields once again. This makes the third time this month the corn fields have been usurped without the authority of the Gnome Council.

That about wraps up our news segment for this fine morning. And before we head off to hear from our sponsors, we have a special guest today for your listening pleasure. And if you don’t know this person; you should – he’s a great freak of nature and always happy to help you with your lederhosen debacles – yes, I’m talking about Farley.

Interviewer: So, Farley – anything wild and crazy happening in your part of town these days?

Farley: Well, me’s thinks me’s be brewin’ up a storm in me’s delicacy shack – that’s about it.

Interviewer: Brewing something? Is it tasty or taudry?

Farley: Taudry mostly. But me’s did manage to gather enough dark cantaloupes and giant anchovies to spice things up a little.

Interviewer: You like those cantaloupes and anchovies – eh. Why is that?

Farley: Well, it all started way back when me’s be a dumplin’. Back then, Moogblarfen sandwiches were too strong for me’s gut so when me’s gnome friends gathered to party – me’s had to find something tame to eat. Back then, me’s would upchuck at the sight of Moogblarfen. The adult gnome care-peeps would tell me that me’s would “grow into it”.

Interviewer: Did you grow into it?

Farley: Are you kiddin’? After years of only toleratin’ drinkin’ Chinese Fish Sauce, now me’s can’t get enough of the shit – oops… – my bad, sorry for the foulish language.

Interviewer: It’s okay Farley, we all know you can have a fucking foul mouth sometimes.

Farley: Oh c’mon now, me’s not be THAT bad.

Interviewer: I’m just kidding with you Farley – you’re a good gnome.

Farley: Yes, me’s be a good gnome, you fuckin’ foul-breath lesbo cunt whore of a bitch slut tramp. By the way, you always smell like Tide detergent; if you soak your lederhosen in Chinese Fish Sauce it will remove the odor.

(Interviewer and Farley break out in heavy laughter.)

Interviewer: It’s all good. We’re all friends here. So, are you going to donate any fresh veggies to Tarvell’s Grocery today?

Farley: Yep! Me’s has me’s puckets all full of goodies for the poor gnomes. It be always important to make sure we take care of those less fortunate. Me’s can remember many times in the past when me’s tummy was grumblin’ from emptiness – and if it weren’t for the gay folk over in the East of the Shire, me would have probably shrunk down to nothin’.

Interviewer: Yep, those are some good gnomes over there. So, Farley, we are just about out of time. Do you have any final words of wisdom for our gnome listeners before we break for commercial?

Farley: Well, let’s see… Oh, never get your beer-stained lederhosen jammed with cantaloupe stickiness because if you’s do – you will have to pay 25 pence to see if the tofu jumbalaya create bigger splotches of gorf.

Interviewer: (giggles) Okie dokie then. … … Ladies and gents, that’s all the time we have for now. We will break for a quick commercial and we’ll be back in a few minutes. But don’t go anywhere, we have some special talk radio guests lined up for this morning.

Over-N-Out – Floyd

About Some Flowers

In 2019 I published my 6th music release/album “About Some Flowers”. After 7 years of learning, late nights, frustration in composing and sound-mixing and commitment, I think this is my best as a home-recording artist.

A photo of the colorful music CD album cover titled "About Some Flowers" featuring many pink flowers.

“About Some Flowers” is all instrumental and created electronically. I try to set myself apart from the usual electronic music one expects to hear in this genre by focusing on composition and mixing the sounds as if a real band was playing.

/ Sunflower Fields / Dandelion Breeze / Jasmine / Violets in a Dark Valley / Chrysanthemum / Country Roses / Daisy Lazy / Flight of the Black Daffodils / Parfum de Florist / The Two Flower Vases / Lazy Daisy / The Lilacs in May / Autumn Flowers /

You can download the entire music album “About Some Flowers” for FREE, by clicking right here.

Thus far, I have created two music videos to accompany this music and may do a few more in the future. Here are two videos, “Dandelion Breeze” (my favorite) and “Lazy Daisy”.

Thus far, the favorites by listeners are “Dandelion Breeze” and “Flight of the Black Daffodils”.

“Dandelion Breeze” from the music album “About Some Flowers” (2019) by Floyd Kelly

“Daisy Lazy” from the music album “About Some Flowers” (2019) by Floyd Kelly

Feel free to leave me comments if you like this music. I am working on my 7th music release/album now and will be out by November 2021, it is titled “Sugar Sweet”.

Have yourself a great day. – Floyd

Dreamland Disaster

As I mentioned in another blog post regarding my dreams; sometimes my dreams are filled with fun and wonky matters, and sometimes they are filled with the strange and bizarre where I meet strange people and find myself in strange situations. And then there are the dreams that have an impact on my psyche as I wake up – mostly because the dream was terrifying. Today I had one of these dreams.

A photo of a big clock with roman numerals affixed to a stone background.

Today’s dream was about an earthquake and my attempts to try and save another person’s life just before the earthquake occurred. Many of my dreams seem to last a long time with a full story; but today’s dream was short and I found my self somehow transported into chaos.

At the beginning of the dream I find myself outside and people are scurrying about in the streets and in a state of panic, as if they knew something was about to happen to them.

A man, a stranger, sees me on the street and latches onto me for some reason. In the midst of many people in a state of panic; this man seemed to pick me out of the crowd due to my appearance. I noticed that he did not seem as frightened as everyone around us.

The man was strong and extremely handsome and we both start running towards a building similar to a historic medieval castle. As we go inside, we find ourselves in a crowd of people scurrying about looking for food. The people are so scared and in-need that they are breaking cabinetry apart and locked portions of the building to find stashes of food.

As I’m standing in one room, another man yells out “I found a stash!”, and I immediately see where it is and start grabbing items and throwing them into the air for people to catch. Myself and everyone seemed to be in a hurry as if we knew doom as about to strike.

I then usher the man I met on the street into a room and upon entering I realize there is too much glass. I quickly peruse the room and realize this is not where we want to be if we are to survive. The man sits down in a chair and starts thumbing through the pages of an old book. As he is doing this, I tell him forcefully that we need to get out of here and into an open space so we do not get crushed from the old-style blocks of stone that make up this structure. He refuses to go anywhere and just sits there. I plead with the man, grabbing him by the front of his shirt to come with me. Still, he refused.

I seemed to know that death was only seconds away and it was at this point I just told him, “Okay.” and I left him in the room as I quickly tried to find an escape. His refusal to make sense broke my heart and I started to cry because I knew what was about to happen to him.

I then find myself outside the walls of this structure and there are people standing around looking towards what appears to be an old aqueduct, similar to the ones from the Roman Empire. Suddenly, a crashing wave of water, debris and blood crash through – doom is now here. This was a major earthquake and only those who were outside this building had any chance of survival.

At this point the dream comes to a close in some ways. I do get to experience lucid dreams often and today was not an exception. Upon realizing that this was a dream, I was able to go back to that room to try once again to get the man to come with me, but I was not successful on the first attempt. I then tried again and he DID come with me which changed the outcome of the dream.

After saving this man’s life, we go outside and scurry to the highest point we can see which is a hillside; and, unfortunately there are only a few people who did the same. As we look to the right, we see this wall of water and debris swallowing everything in it’s path and the building we were in is now across from us and I see it has crumbled and all those people inside are now dead.

I experience many dreams and in the past I have had dreams about earthquakes and when I experience these dreams they really scare me – a lot. In the past, there have been at least two occasions where I had a dream similar to this one and within days somewhere in the world a major earthquake hits a heavily populated area causing much destruction. When I have one of these dreams I get worried about my safety and ask myself questions about my own preparedness in case of disaster. Sometimes I wonder if my dream is a premonition, but I think that is a stretch.

In my lifetime, I have experienced two major earthquakes; the Northridge earthquake in 1994 (6.7) and the Nisqually earthquake in 2001 (6.8). Both terrifying. And, in addition to those earthquakes, I have experienced several other earthquakes in the 4.0 to 5.0 Richter scale range; and although not major, just as scary.

And on this note, I’m going to go outside and enjoy some sunshine. – Floyd

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Stupid Superstitions

I’m a survivor of extreme child-abuse. I’m in my late 50s now and although the abuse occurred between the ages 6 to 17 (a long time ago), the effects are still with me to this day. I consider both my mother and father to be evil because of what they did to me. I will blog more about this in the future. Today, a thought came about that took me back to those times with my mother’s superstitions.

A photo of some dark foreboding clouds.

There are times in weather, where many foreboding tall cumulus clouds come together and then a shower begins. Sometimes, there is not 100% coverage of cumulus clouds and the sun shines through while it is raining at the same time. This was one of my mother’s superstitions. When this would happen she would yell out “The Devil is beating his wife! The Devil is beating his wife!”. What a horrible thing to say; where she picked that up I do not have any idea.

To this day, when this weather situation comes about, that thought comes into my mind and I wish I could get rid of it.

My mother had other superstitions; like when spilling salt, she would immediately put some in her hand and throw it over her shoulder so that bad luck would not arrive. She taught this to me and to this day, I do the same thing.

Other superstitions were – don’t break a mirror or it’s 7 years of bad luck; don’t cross the trail of a black cat and don’t eat with my left hand because it will sour the food.

What are superstitions that you have been taught in your life? Leave me some comments, I’m curious to know…

“Escape from Earth”

Hidden within this short science-fiction story and music CD is my out-of-this world idea to build what people call a time travel machine. That is in simple terms; but is much more elaborate in detail.

A photo displaying Floyd Kelly's music CD album cover titled "Escape from Earth", with the space shuttle in the foreground and the planet Earth in the background.

If you want to jump right to the in-depth idea, you can click here. The actual name of this project is the “STC Impulse : Directive 2051.2”

This is the real deal and not a flim-flam. The idea was spawned by the disaster we refer to as Fukushima (Daiichi) corium melting down from a major earthquake. I have been trying to find a solution to the radioactive release into the environment; which led me to some crazy ideas about creating:

  • A food replication device.
  • A space-time messaging device.
  • An EMP Shield device to protect cities. And, possibly,
  • A medicine delivery device.

I was intrigued with the results of the NASA – (Gravity Probe B) – The Relativity Mission – Testing Albert Einstein’s theory of space-time; which has proven to be true – as per NASA and it’s funders. Measuring spacetime curvature is where it all started and branched out from there.

I am constantly working on this project and have yet to find another person or entity to share my ideas; so there’s a good chance this idea will lay dormant on the internet.

I like to keep my blog posts short, so I won’t go into much detail aside from providing a link to the work I have already done and will come back to this over time in my blog; discussing ideas and mathematical things.

Also, in my bookmarks section of my Twitter account is a long list of postings from various organizations such as CERN, Fermilab and many other science-based technologies that I use as a guide or tether to keep me on track.

“Escape from Earth” (2016) was published with 10 music tracks and a 20-page science-fiction story with these ideas embedded in the storyline. Only 100 were printed and have been scattered around the country. There are only two left and a third-party is now selling this product for $969.00 on Amazon; of which I do not receive any royalties or monies.

I will be blogging more about this in the near future. It is my hope that one day we could fix the disaster known as Fukushima and prevent on-going contamination of the Pacific Ocean – destroying the food chain in the years to come.

You can read about the strange synchronicity event that occurred in relation to the production of “Escape from Earth” by clicking here.

Have a great day. Floyd

Today is “No Bones About It Day”

Today here in Gnome Land it is “No Bones About It” Day and we’s be really excited.

A funny photo of a small gnome made of cloth laying in the grass on his back.

Before the gastrations of over guzzled ale brings down the drapes on the stage, the Gnome Council on Foreign Quagmire Relations wanted me to splurge a little and let the big cities abroad know more about our society here at the edge of the world, because in future years we want to have the Gnome Olympics come here … so.

Before continuing with me’s writings here, it would be good to address some wonderful letters that have been poppin’ in here from the postal letter mailbag man…

From: Karen B. of St. Paul, MN, US
I have been reading your blog and I noticed that you go overboard on the whole “gnome thing”. Give it up already – it’s boring after the second story. Schmuck!

Dear Karen:
Firstly, me has a gigantic hazy-weed-cigar here that if you smoke it, it will make you feel much better. Or, I saved up a batch of Pumpkin Schnitzelmort – I can ship it to you – it will make you feel nice and serene. I can send it SeeODee (Crash on Delivery).

From: Steven S. of Dallas, TX, US
You idiot. You keep using the word “gay” in your writings. Do you know what you are even saying? Get a life man.

Dear Steven:
I am ultra mega extremely sorry if me’s offend you in any way. Here at the edge of the world, things are different than in the big cities abroad. We use words here that don’t mean what you think they mean in your world – do you know what I mean? Have you tried a Moogblarfen Sandwich?

From: Geriatric Man in New York, NY, US
I just love your gnome blog. Can you write more about the personal lives of your gnomes? I am intrigued and flabberflatulagasted. My great great great great uncle was a gnome.

Dear Geriatric Man:
You used the word “flabberflatulagasted”! You are definitely one of us. Come on up for a spell and a smell. We’s have lots of hazy-weed-cigars; we can smoke and we can go frolick after the Gentrified Belching Ladies go home okay.

That’s all the letters me has for today. I will answer more letters in the future of days. But until then, it’s time to celebrate…

No Bones About It Day

Take a bone. Add another bone to it.
You’s now have three bones.

Take another bone.
And set on top of that a big pine cone.

Now take a stone.
Now, stare at it until you moan.

— An old wise sayin’ from me’s great grandpappy —

Today! And only today!

We’s be celebratin’

No Bones About It Day

Noon-time at City Hall

Bring with you one bone and one stone.
(if your bone still has meat on it, leave it at home)

When the egg-timer on top of the city hall buildin’ goes
cuckoo – we will all trade bones and stones.

There will be lots to eat.
Dixie Bones BBQ Beans
Bones of Contention Candied Yams
Chinese Bone Soup
Pumpkin Schnitzelmort!

FREE – 1 pint of Loose Moose Ale – FREE

Special Performance by Boney-Fingers McBee

Don’t be late or flatulate!

Towards the Light (Music Video)

In 2014 I released my original music composition titled “Towards the Light”. Many around the world have complimented me on this piece of music even though the rhythm is not powerful. Listening to this piece of music will elevate you for a few minutes. Here is the music video I created in Blender 3D with many particle systems to enhance your enjoyment of this piece of music.

A blue-colored photo of Floyd Kelly's music CD album titled "The Doorway" - the image depicts musical notes entering a human head.

“Towards the Light” by Floyd Kelly, from the music album “The Doorway” (2014); video Copyright Floyd Kelly 2021.

I would like to hear from you if you like this piece of music and/or video, drop me a comment. Thus far, this piece of music has been heard in 92 countries.

Thank you for viewing. Floyd

The Blarney Gayzette Classifieds

The Blarney Gayzette Classifieds for Tuesday, October 23rd

A close-up photo of multiple newspapers loosely stacked on a wooden table.

Sections – Houses for Sale, For Rent, Job Openings, For Sale, Freebies

For Rent / 300

Blarney Hill – 1 tiny bedroom for rent, 1/2 rent in exchange for gay help around the yard, clean kitchen, glittered ceilings, lots of moss. Call me after 8 p.m. 555-555-1458

Blarney Hill – 1 bedroom for rent for large-size gnome. Big kitchen, small outhouse, some roaches. 555-520-4589

South Keebler Lane – 2 bedroom in fine tire dump, quiet, peaceful, great for small gnome family. A place to park your jalopy. 8 pence off first month’s rent. Call after midnight only. 555-325-9855

Blarney Hill – 1/2 bedroom for rent, 1/2 rent in exchange for Moogblarfen sandwiches, small kitchen, S&M dungeon, pink trim on building. Call me at 555-555-1228

East of the Shire – 5 bedroom, 1 bath, 1 kitchen for rent for large-size gnome family. Big kitchen, small outhouse, tea-toteing neighbors. 555-510-4489

North Keebler Lane – 1 bedroom next to potato field, quiet, peaceful, great for starch-stricken gnome. Smokin’ hot neighbors. 4 pence off first month’s rent. Call after midnight only. 555-325-9855

Job Openings / 400

The Forgotten Gnome Restaurant has an opening for an exquisite Moogblarfen Sandwich chef. Must have at least 3 months experience. Minimum wages. Free meals. 420 West Upchuck Street, apply on-site.

We went crazy this week and fired all our staff because of bad runt wastage control. We are seeking more workers. If you like small fries and love purple-haired gnomes, then this job is for you. Apply at the Teeth Smashing Machine – come dressed to work. 18787 Forgotten Industries Way – we start smashing at 8 a.m. Wages subject to negoshee-a-shuns.

The Tip Top Tavern downtown is seeking a new bartender – our last one became addicted to nose-picking and wouldn’t come to work. If you like beer and Moogblarfen shots and like gnomes and herding sheep – this is a good and fun job for you. Apply at The Tip Top Tavern on Main Street and Fools Lane. Hours open. Free gay meals when you work hard.

The Ire of the Fire Japanese-Gnome Restaurant has an opening for a grand oriental Moogblarfen chef. Must have at least 1 month experience. Minimum wages. Free meals. 120 East Upchuck Street, apply on-site.

Titley’s Fig Shack has an immediate opening for alchemist. Must have experience in concocting and brewing and mish-mashing things. Apply on-site with Titley.

Need more pence for the up and coming holiday season? If you have a spare 3 hours a week and are willing to do anything, and we mean anything to get some more pence in your pucket – then this job is for you. Must be willing to do anything and we mean it – anything. Visit us between 8 am and 9 am down at the Brook of the Painted Toenails and Hair Conditioner factory at 8322 Frocknjock Street. No tele calls please. Be ready to work if you show up and be ready to do anything we tell you to do and we mean anything.

For Sale / 750

I have an old restored Moona Diesel painting for sale. 80 pence – Call me now. 555-985-9988

50 old and well-used records for your new record player. Oldies. Goodies. Gay-varieties. 20 pence. These will go fast. 555-632-1588

2 Pumpkinhead Squirrel velvet paintings for sale. A few blotches of gorf and some outhouse stains but other than that they are in good condition. 10 pence. 555-655-6323

5 pairs of over-used and stretched out jockstraps for sale. 20 pence. Call me at 555-833-9222.

For sale, 1 slightly used liederhosen starching machine. Still have manuals and cork screws that came with it. 200 pence. Phone 555-048-2822.

Caught on tape! Two gnomes caught in the act in this awe-inspiring video that shocked the gay world last year. This is the original. Filmed in Panavision. Comes with commentary and fold-out brochure and pop-up handbook. This will go fast. 839 pence. Call me after midnight only at 555-984-8456.

Freebies / 800

Need a lift after a long days work in the gay garden? No sweat. These strong gnome hands will give you relief. Strictly massage – no foolin’! Call Morf at 555-654-7522

Used undies. These will go fast. Call 555-329-9964

Free hair designs for your next ear cleanin’ We do them tall and big or short and wiley. 555-325-6649

I have 3 bundt-cake pans I no longer need – only used a few times to make cantaloupe-anchovie bread. Call Xena at 555-904-0911.

Tired of gay drama? Need to just relax and unwind? Gay gossip gettin’ under your toenails? Dr. Philanderer Kopuschticks is currently offering free advice on gay matters to help you relieve stress and avoid the next pint of ale. Call Dr. Kopuschticks at 555-455-0987.

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